As couples prepare for marriage and a life together, one question often arises: is it necessary to share every secret from the past?
In everyday life, particularly among those in love and planning to marry, honesty is widely regarded as the foundation of a strong relationship. Many believe that openness about past experiences, even painful or regrettable ones, allows partners to truly know each other before making a lifelong commitment. They argue that it is better to confront the truth before marriage than to discover it later, when the consequences may be more damaging.
However, others feel that keeping certain personal matters private may help protect their dignity and prevent unnecessary conflict.
Wilson Ndayisenga, a 28-year-old motorcyclist working in Kigali who plans to settle down with his partner, believes honesty is essential before living together.
“Being honest about what you did before living with your partner is good because it builds trust and prevents worry,” he says.
For Ndayisenga, transparency lays the groundwork for stability and mutual confidence.
But not everyone shares that view. Nadine Turabumukiza, a 21-year-old second-year student at ICK, says she would not disclose everything about her past. She worries that some sensitive issues could lead to rejection.
“For example, there are things like having had an abortion. Would he still accept me if I told him?” she asks.
Nadine Turabumukiza
Her concern reflects a common fear among young people, that complete honesty may sometimes jeopardize a relationship.
Views from married couples
Married couples often offer a different perspective shaped by experience. A Kigali resident known as Mama Bebe, who has been married for four years and has one child, emphasizes that truthfulness has been central to her marriage.
She explains that discovering a partner’s past infidelity after marriage can cause serious harm.
“When someone finds out after marriage that their partner was unfaithful in the past, it can break trust and create constant arguments. In some cases, it even leads to separation,” she says.
Her advice is clear: “The best thing is to talk about these things before getting married.”
What experts say
Relationship experts and researchers have also examined the impact of secrecy in romantic partnerships.
Research published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin by social psychologist Justin Lehmiller found that so-called “secret romantic relationships” or hiding significant information from a partner, can reduce commitment and contribute to stress and depression.
Lehmiller notes that secrecy can have negative effects on relationship quality.
Another study published in the Bulletin of Counseling and Psychotherapy found that keeping secrets undermines relational authenticity. Conversely, when partners openly discuss previously hidden matters, authenticity increases, leading to greater marital satisfaction.
The role of communication before marriage
Marriage experts also stress the importance of communication skills before making a lifelong commitment.
Howard J. Markman, a leading psychologist known for his work on relationships and premarital counseling, co-developed the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP), a program designed to strengthen couples’ relationships and prevent divorce.
His research shows that couples who receive premarital counseling or communication training report higher levels of marital satisfaction compared to those who do not.
A balanced approach
While opinions differ, both personal experiences and research highlight one key message: communication matters.
Experts recommend that couples engage in deep and honest conversations before deciding to marry. Topics such as past relationships, financial history, mental health, family expectations, and personal values should be discussed openly.
Ultimately, whether to reveal every detail of the past remains a personal decision. But building a future together may require a foundation of trust strong enough to withstand the truths of yesterday.
Author: Daniel Ngendahimana